Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: Every mom needs a safe place to vent

Trust me, I get it.

I get what it’s like to have a bad day as a mother, to be frustrated with my child, someone else’s child or an issue affecting our family.

I’ve felt that annoyance that needs an outlet. I understand the urge to vent, scream, complain and blurt out my first thoughts or give someone a piece of my mind. I know the relief of getting a burden off my chest and how cathartic it can be to talk uncensored, especially when I’m angry.

Yet here’s what else I know: regret. Regret for speaking too soon. Regret for not calming down first. Regret for acting on a knee-jerk reaction or not waiting to get the full story. Regret for the hurt I caused, the maturity I failed to show or the conversation I wish I’d never started.

Our generation is different from our parents’ generation. One, we have social media, and two, they had better boundaries. They didn’t contact people after 9 p.m. or publicly share every detail of their life on social media.

While I’m glad it’s less taboo now to openly share our struggles, it’s worth considering who we share our struggles with. Is it people we’re close to … or acquaintances online? Too often, what should be a private conversation becomes a public conversation on Facebook. And if we post while we’re upset, emotional or not in a good place, we lose credibility and respect. We hurt relationships and reputations.

This is why we need a safe place to vent. We all get frustrated, and processing our emotions privately can keep us from losing it publicly. It takes us from emotional posts (from the amygdala: the primitive part of the brain, the center of “fight or flight”) to measured posts (from the prefrontal cortex: the rational part of the brain, the center of reason and long-term thinking). It improves the odds that we won’t speak or act regrettably.

My friend has a daughter who was once a star athlete. She was captain of her team, and due to her talent, she had the spotlight on her. Her younger teammates looked up to her and everyone respected her, and she kept their respect by following her “mom advice.”

Her mom told her: “Stay positive around your teammates. Don’t complain, vent or talk about anyone. Save it for me. Vent to me, and give your best to your team. Encourage them and be a role model.”

I love this advice because it acknowledges that we need a place to vent, yet there’s a disciplined way to do it. We can unload frustrations without going postal. Rather than come unhinged, we can save it for behind closed doors. We can show maturity in hard moments and be a respected leader.

This self-control is especially important for parents of teens to remember. Ask any therapist who works with teens, and they’ll share stories of the cutting remarks that parents have made to their teenagers in the heat of frustration. I understand a parent’s breaking point, yet I’m most sympathetic to the damage that an unfiltered outburst can cause. 

As Dr. Gary Chapman says in “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers,” there is a better way to motivate teenagers than by yelling cruel or condemning words. He writes:

“Most teenagers are struggling with self-identity. They are comparing themselves with their peers physically, intellectually and socially. Many are concluding that they simply do not ‘measure up.’ Many feel insecure, have little self-esteem and blame themselves. If there is a stage of life where humans need more affirming words, it would certainly be during the teenage years. Yet this is the very stage at which parents often turn to negative words in their efforts to get the teenager to do what parents believe is best.”

So how do we moms stay strong and resist the urge to vent to our children or gripe on Facebook? I believe the answer is 1) pray for help and 2) find a safe place. Pick someone in your innermost circle — your spouse, best friend, mom, sister, hairdresser, therapist, etc. — who listens well and won’t betray your confidence.

We live in an age where it’s common and acceptable to tell people off to their face or go straight to Facebook with every complaint. We’re a generation of parents that often lacks strong adult relationships because we’re busier, more distracted and centering our lives around our kids.

But building a strong adult network is a form of self-care. Besides the obvious mental health benefits, it gives us people to turn to for help. Sometimes just getting our thoughts and feelings out, without fear of being judged or written off, is enough to help us breathe and get to a rational place.

Life is hard, so give your mom friends a safe place to vent. Be the friend who listens and loves them despite their cray-cray. Encourage your friends to stay strong in front of their kids and sane on social media by venting to you. If we all helped each other more behind the scenes, can you imagine how much more positive we’d be at home and online?

We’d have fewer regrets and better relationships. We’d be adults who act like adults. We’d have good conversations even when we disagree, and we’d live with intention. These are the role models our children need. That is how we help the next generation cope with the big emotions that they feel and wrestle with, too. 

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger. Her bestselling books are available everywhere books are sold. Join Kari on the Girl Mom Podcast as well as Instagram and Facebook.